All boys want to be James Bond

There's been an influx of catalogs in my mailbox. But that's to be expected--Christmas is only two months away. I'm already bracing myself for smelling peppermint and cinnamon potpourri while hearing Jingle Bell Rock in every department store on November 1. That's probably why I do more and more of my shopping online.

Some of these catalogs have been confiscated by Jack who only brings them out of his room long enough to say "Get me everything on this page." And the page is invariably the spy gear page. Between the night vision goggles, long distance walkie-talkies, laser tripwire and spy watch that's bigger than my head, I get the feeling he wants me to be Q. Without getting into any debate over Desmond Llwelyn vs. John Cleese, I only provide the financial backing for the gadgets.



But what gets me is not just all the cool stuff on the page, it's that it's the exact same cool stuff that was on these pages when I was a kid, and I wanted them all then, too. I wanted to be the super spy hanging from a tree and watching people without them knowing, gathering important intel on what was for dinner.

I honestly think I got just as excited about this catalog as Jack did. There's a part in all men that still wants the toys, it's just that the toys eventually change from remote controlled helicopters to hunting rifles or Fender guitars. And you begin to realize that the lack of gadgets and government finance combined with stunts that required professional rock climbers is what makes Jason Bourne superior to James Bond. More on that at some point, I'm sure.

So who's buying me the laser tripwire for Christmas?

Grow up

Peter Pan has been asking why people have to grow up for a very long time. He lived on an island that kept him young and boyish while Wendy aged. He played, crowed, and had sword fights with Pirates and Indians (I don't think the term "Native American" applies here since they're not technically in America.)

This is starting off like a post about continually embracing the child in all of us, but it's not. Because Peter Pan now has a psychological disorder named after him.

While Peter Pan Syndrome is not recognized by the American Psychological Association or listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as an actual mental condition (that's right, I went there), the understanding of what it represents is clear: a man immune to the reality of ageing and responsibility, whose emotional development has remained at the adolescent level. This man typically shields himself from the outside and, in some cases, does so in his mother's basement until he's 45 with quests and adventures in World of Warcraft. Nothing inherently wrong with Azeroth, just don't think your accomplishments there mean anything to anybody else in the real world.

While the guy in his mom's basement may have become normal (my younger brother is currently taking up residence in a 2nd floor bedroom of our parents' house while he looks for lawyering jobs), it is really a matter of denial: Denial that there are real problems; Denial that you may not really be as awesome as you thought you were in high school; Denial that you may lose a job; Denial that you will hear the word No.

Peter Pan grew up into Robin Williams and spent an enjoyable movie coming to terms with himself both as the boy he was and the man and father he had become. It wasn't easy, but it's something we all must do.

There is a place for Azeroth with adults; just not between the hours of 9 and 5. Otherwise, this is our future:

And this is in no way an exaggeration.

Video Monday - The Next Overblown Summer Movie

It seems that movie studios are plum out of original ideas. That's okay, though. Shakespeare ripped off all his stories from other places.

But with very few exceptions, Hollywood isn't going to the Bard for inspiration, rather my childhood toys.


Battleship.
Transformers.
GI Joe.
Ninja Turtles.
And let's not get into the slew of comic book heroes in movies and on TV.

What's next? Lite Brite? Stretch Armstrong? Those slap-bracelets that got banned from every elementary and middle school in 1989? Or, as one person with some creativity, free time, and CGI knowhow created, Tetris:

Someone else has other plans

I don't think I'm going to make it to the gym this morning. And this time it's not my fault.

I'm normally up at 5 to go to the gym so I have time to come home and shower, eat breakfast, and change before work at 8. (I don't shower at the gym out of principle. 5 am is too early to see old racquetball-playing guys naked. Come to think of it, there's never a good time to see old racquetball-playing guys naked.)

This schedule can vary depending on 2 major factors: what time I actually get up, and the sleep patterns of three people much shorter than myself.

Since 5:30, my 2-year-old has been out of her room 7 times. It is now 6:08. I was all ready to go, then I guess she heard the floor creaking or my keys jangling, because out of her room she came. And she doesn't come out of her room quietly. She wrestles with the doorknob just at the edge of her reach, turns it, opens the door, then snaps the knob loose. I'm a little surprised we're the only 2 awake.

I leaned several years ago that if I don't make it to the gym before the kids are up, the idea is pretty much shot for the day. And this was going to be a good day. Not because of what I had planned to do,  but I have the energy to do a lot. Run 10 miles? Can do. Throw around more weight than Conan the Barbarian? I'm there. Heck, I may even show that rowing machine who's boss.

I had my plans. Those plans don't matter too much to her right now.

There's a great line in church culture: Want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans. It's the listening to God's plans that is the hard part. Like this stubborn little girl, we keep waiting for God to stop interrupting so we can get on with whatever it was. But the interrupting takes us where He wants us to be, usually waaaaaay outside a self-constructed comfort zone.

It's difficult to see God's big picture. It's difficult to see a 2-year-old's big picture. I'm pretty sure it revolves around Dora the Explorer.

Things all Guys Should Know

There are certain skills that all guys should know for various reasons. These are skills that, should technology or the normal way of doing things fail at some point in time, you can rely on these skills. I don't have all of them, but I'm working on it slowly. Here's a brief list--oddly, in alphabetical order:


Building. Legos, picnic table, whatever needs to be built around the house, with or without instructions. And if need be, step in and help a professional build a house.

Cooking. More than Mac & Cheese or a microwave burrito. Actually make a meal from scratch. This is useful for two functions: feeding yourself and impressing girls.

Fishing. My grandpa used to take me fishing as a kid quite a bit. I have no memory of ever catching anything. Fishing is one of the few hobbies you can talk about in public and have everyone listen. Because fishermen tell the best stories.

History. Know when wars happened. Know who was president (or king) during those wars. Know who made significant contributions to science and technology. This isn't just about not embarrassing yourself on Jeopardy!, it's about being smarter than the normal goofball on the street.

Listening. Seriously. Listen to others' ideas. And shut up when you do it. Handy for impressing girls.

Math. Balance your own stinking checkbook.

Music. Play at least one instrument that isn't the drums. And learn how to play it quietly as well as forcefully.

Vocabulary. Know the difference between affect and effect. Know several different words for "said." Be able to figure out a word's meanings based on its parts.

Writing. Not just a journal, a blog, or various text messages in the newest forms of abbreviations. This is how future employers will first encounter you. This is how you will explain yourself in a police report. There's a lot at stake in putting words on paper. Or on a screen. You don't want stupid fifth-grade errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar making you look like a rube. On the other hand, know when to break the rules.


What else would you add?
Growing/shooting/cleaning your own food?
Sports?
Business?