A Brief Letter on Thanksgiving.

To my vegetarian friends:

This week is Thanksgiving. I will eat some turkey. And so should you. Here's why.

Turkeys are ugly. Turkeys are mean. Turkeys are the rednecks of the animal kingdom. I've met turkeys in person and they are all jerks. I asked for directions and they just stared at me or tried to bite me.

I'm aware of the urban legend that Ben Franklin wanted to make the turkey the symbol of America based on its intelligence, but this conclusion was likely due to a poorly researched book and not first-hand experience. Most turkeys I've encountered are dumb. Can't even spell "Turkey." Sheesh.

So when I sit down to eat a turkey, you are more than willing to join me, comfortable in the knowledge that there is one less animal jerk in the world.

Thank you, and have a fun holiday of poultry murder.

Roger


This turkey is apparently a cannibal.

Where has this been all my life?

When I was a kid, we had the lame paper advent calendar every year. My brothers, sister and I took turns opening windows to count down to Christmas. Behind each door was a picture of something Christmasey. And the holier advent calendars had scriptures to go along with them. I think we may have actually used the same calendar each year. No daily chocolate calendar for us, just all natural paper-based fun. Sigh.



Now that I think about it, that may have been best with 4 kids to fight over a single piece of chocolate each day. Or get 4 chocolate advent calendars. No, they wouldn't have made it to Christmas. I'd have eaten all of mine by my birthday on the 13th.

But thanks to Pinterest, you can easily find some very crafty, complicated designs that you will be convinced you need to do, will buy all the materials for $60, and then never get around to making, only to be back at the chocolate calendars.

But Lego has upped the ante:



I think I would have gotten much more into the tradition with something like this. No, not something like this; EXACTLY this.

Festive? Check.

Darth Maul in Santa wear? Check.

Another way for Lego to exploit a religious holiday in the name of commercialism and make money? Absolutely.

I've forgotten all about chocolate advent calendars now. This holy 3-way marriage between Christmas, Legos, Star Wars and a countdown can only signal that the Mayans were wrong--there is hope for the future of mankind. And I've always thought that the light saber battle at the end of Jedi looked nice and festive.

All boys want to be James Bond

There's been an influx of catalogs in my mailbox. But that's to be expected--Christmas is only two months away. I'm already bracing myself for smelling peppermint and cinnamon potpourri while hearing Jingle Bell Rock in every department store on November 1. That's probably why I do more and more of my shopping online.

Some of these catalogs have been confiscated by Jack who only brings them out of his room long enough to say "Get me everything on this page." And the page is invariably the spy gear page. Between the night vision goggles, long distance walkie-talkies, laser tripwire and spy watch that's bigger than my head, I get the feeling he wants me to be Q. Without getting into any debate over Desmond Llwelyn vs. John Cleese, I only provide the financial backing for the gadgets.



But what gets me is not just all the cool stuff on the page, it's that it's the exact same cool stuff that was on these pages when I was a kid, and I wanted them all then, too. I wanted to be the super spy hanging from a tree and watching people without them knowing, gathering important intel on what was for dinner.

I honestly think I got just as excited about this catalog as Jack did. There's a part in all men that still wants the toys, it's just that the toys eventually change from remote controlled helicopters to hunting rifles or Fender guitars. And you begin to realize that the lack of gadgets and government finance combined with stunts that required professional rock climbers is what makes Jason Bourne superior to James Bond. More on that at some point, I'm sure.

So who's buying me the laser tripwire for Christmas?

Grow up

Peter Pan has been asking why people have to grow up for a very long time. He lived on an island that kept him young and boyish while Wendy aged. He played, crowed, and had sword fights with Pirates and Indians (I don't think the term "Native American" applies here since they're not technically in America.)

This is starting off like a post about continually embracing the child in all of us, but it's not. Because Peter Pan now has a psychological disorder named after him.

While Peter Pan Syndrome is not recognized by the American Psychological Association or listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as an actual mental condition (that's right, I went there), the understanding of what it represents is clear: a man immune to the reality of ageing and responsibility, whose emotional development has remained at the adolescent level. This man typically shields himself from the outside and, in some cases, does so in his mother's basement until he's 45 with quests and adventures in World of Warcraft. Nothing inherently wrong with Azeroth, just don't think your accomplishments there mean anything to anybody else in the real world.

While the guy in his mom's basement may have become normal (my younger brother is currently taking up residence in a 2nd floor bedroom of our parents' house while he looks for lawyering jobs), it is really a matter of denial: Denial that there are real problems; Denial that you may not really be as awesome as you thought you were in high school; Denial that you may lose a job; Denial that you will hear the word No.

Peter Pan grew up into Robin Williams and spent an enjoyable movie coming to terms with himself both as the boy he was and the man and father he had become. It wasn't easy, but it's something we all must do.

There is a place for Azeroth with adults; just not between the hours of 9 and 5. Otherwise, this is our future:

And this is in no way an exaggeration.

Video Monday - The Next Overblown Summer Movie

It seems that movie studios are plum out of original ideas. That's okay, though. Shakespeare ripped off all his stories from other places.

But with very few exceptions, Hollywood isn't going to the Bard for inspiration, rather my childhood toys.


Battleship.
Transformers.
GI Joe.
Ninja Turtles.
And let's not get into the slew of comic book heroes in movies and on TV.

What's next? Lite Brite? Stretch Armstrong? Those slap-bracelets that got banned from every elementary and middle school in 1989? Or, as one person with some creativity, free time, and CGI knowhow created, Tetris: